Friday, June 17, 2016

Homosexuality, Nihilism, and Religion

After Orlando massacre, an Afghan-American citizen killing more than 50 of homosexuals in a gay club, I asked myself how I think about homosexuality, first, as a philosopher reflecting on a sexual practice or orientation, second, as a lover of religions: from Taoism to Islam.  It is obvious that I am abhorred and dismayed at this atrocious action.  Killing people amass is cruel and ungodly.  We shouldn't play the role of God, without God's wisdom.  Critique and advice are different from coercion and exclusion.  In this note, I wish to reflect on this loaded and sensitive topic and pray to God to guide me in the right path.  
If I lived in a community of believers in any country, I couldn’t speak openly about homosexuality as there is a sense of taboo and apathy to homosexuals.  If I lived, as I do, in a liberal and mostly atheist community, again it is difficult to talk about homosexuality for reverse reasons, if I say anything against it, I will encounter resentment, boycott, and exclusion.  So, I put my trust in the wisdom and awe of God and think and speak as it comes true to me, disregarding human approval, chastisement, and rejection.

My theses are these:

1)     We can’t morally reject or approve homosexuality according to naturalistic fallacy.
2)    We create a feedback loop by, first, homosexuals falling into hedonism, nihilism, and existential despair due to the fact that they feel that they don't belong to any community, and by reacting harshly to homosexuals, we push them into debauchery and nihilism.
3)    Homosexual and heterosexual nihilism differ in their self-perception and comportment in the world.  I reflect on how all these variations are destructive.  And by discussing Socrates’ views, I try to find a way out of this dead-end: how we all can reconnect to our source.
4)    Religions reject lewdness and excess and to that extent homosexual as well as heterosexual excess and corruption are denounced.  However, religions have to differentiate between homosexuality as a natural tendency and corruption as such, and leave room for homosexuals to experience a sense of belonging.

Homosexuality As a Sexual Orientation

When I look at the rainbow flag of homosexuals, it comes to my mind that homosexuals wish to be considered as a color among colors, a natural tendency among all natural tendencies.  It is the same in all species, we can observe same sex practices in different animals.  Let’s accept the assumption or observation that homosexual behavior is found among social birds and mammals, particularly the sea mammals and the primates.  For these animals, there is documented evidence of homosexual behavior of one or more of the following kinds: sex, courtship, affection, pair bonding, or parenting, as noted in researcher and author Bruce Bagemihl's 1999 book Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity. Animal sexual behavior takes many different forms, even within the same species and the motivations for and implications of their behaviors have yet to be fully understood. Bagemihl's research shows that homosexual behavior, not necessarily sex, has been documented in about 500 species as of 1999, ranging from primates to gut worms. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_animals_displaying_homosexual_behavior
Assuming that animals show homoeroticism, it doesn’t imply that we, humans, have to follow the path of animals.  This is usually called "naturalistic fallacy," which means that we should not draw ethical implications from the way things are factually.  Long while ago, Hume meaningfully cut off the relation between “is” and “ought”, namely Hume's guillotine.  And Moore’s open-question argument also made an interesting claim that we, as humans and not animals, can ask the goodness of so many behaviors that might be considered “natural,” such as “is vegetarianism morally good?”, “is homosexuality morally good?”.  The point is that moral questions are open-questions, not closed questions similar to conceptual analytic questions such as “vegetarians don’t eat meat” which is analytically closed.  In another word, we need to elaborate the meaning of “moral good” according to some grid of intelligibility.  Homosexuals may argue that their case is also a closed-question: as vegetarians don’t eat meat is a closed-question, homosexuals also can’t help but being drawn to the same sex.  So, there is no point to ask the moral question about it.  

My thesis is based on this question: under what social-ethical-spiritual conditions can we cause minimum damage to the soul of individuals in society, heterosexual or homosexual?  What kind of attitude towards homosexuality encourages us to the cultivation of our souls, rather than lewdness and downfall?  So, even if we take homosexuality as an inevitable natural disposition for some individuals, there can be a spectrum of moral positions about it.
One might take empirical accounts as the measure of moral good, similar to Mill who takes “pleasure” as the measure of moral good.  Some like Kant, take the a priori law of reason (rational ground) as the measure of moral good.  So, in discussing moral good we have to talk about perspective or point of view.  What point of view do I hold about morality if I am a stoic?  What gestalt disposition do I hold if I am an epicurean?  What is the state of my soul if I am a hedonist, for whom pleasure is the only measure of moral good? 
The other question is: how would I behave if I take pleasure as the measure of moral good?   How would I organize the economy of my energy if I am a stoic?  How would I direct my attention if I believe my ethical comport is connected to universe and the divine?  The question of motivation or internal disposition is not separate from one’s behavior.  So, there is no absolute gap between the internal and external, between “a priori maxims” or presuppositions and their social outcome.  Given these brief considerations, one may ask two different questions on the same ground of internal perspective (emotional-spiritual-belief-investment) and/or the external-behavioral effect of those emotional-belief investments. 
I wish to emphasize a point here.  I don’t take “belief” as something that happens in our mind or brain only as a reductive physiological-chemical stimulus or a property of the mind.  So, I am hesitant to use the word “belief” about moral choices as it can be misleading.  Moral beliefs change the energy of our eyes, the way we look at the world.  Any organization of our internal energy based on certain moral dictum makes us expectant to seeing the world in certain ways and form certain beliefs about it. 
We usually come to our senses, if we are lucky enough, when we are struck with “truth”.  The difficulty is that we assume, following the moral relativism of our time, that ethical truths are subjective.  I hold that ethical truths are not subjective, and following Socrates, I also reject the sophists’ view that “man is the measure of truth”.  The organization of our moral energy can be [self-]destructive, not only physically in terms of survival, but also spiritually, if you wish, in terms of Nirvana, Heaven (T’ien), or Salvation.  
So the questions would be:
a) What gestalt disposition, what kind of selfhood, I would experience if I am a homosexual or heterosexual person who believes:
1)     Our existence here on this planet is a chance event, physical-chemical interactions of dead particles, disconnected from a divine source or universe, nihilistic and meaningless.  That there is no divine self in us, but the soul is only the manifestations of selfish genes, or determinate historical practices.  
2)    And if I am homosexual and I believe that I have a divine soul whose ethical practices are connected to the divine or universe but being told constantly that I am evil and an aberrant that has to be lynched, killed, stoned, or rejected.  And hence to be pushed to the first option: hedonism, debauchery, nihilism, and [self-]destruction.      
 AND:
 b) How would I behave, to put it concretely, how would be the organization and direction of the energy of my eyes, ears, smell, and touch, heart and spirit, my comportment in the world, if I hold:
1)     Our existence here on this planet is a chance event, physical-chemical interactions of dead particles, disconnected from a divine source or universe, nihilistic and meaningless.  That there is no divine self in us, but the soul is only the manifestations of selfish genes, or determinate historical practices.  
2)    And if I am homosexual and I believe that I have a divine soul whose ethical practices are connected to the divine or universe but being told that I am evil and an aberrant that has to be lynched, killed, stoned, or rejected.  And hence to be pushed to the first option: hedonism, debauchery, nihilism, and [self-]destruction.      

Socrates and Alcibiades

In Symposium, Plato tells the story of some distinguished thinkers speaking about love.  What a supreme topic and what a wonderful piece of writing!  I won’t discuss the whole book here, but only the part that Socrates and Alcibiades speak, because what and how they are, speak about, and show their love addresses and gives us some epistemological/ethical indicator to reflect on above questions.  What is the relation between Alcibiades and Socrates?  From the story we can say there is a kind of “love” relation between them, or homoeroticism, at least from Alcibiades side.  It is a common place now that in Greek antiquity a special kind of love between older men and youths was permitted or even glorified.  Symposium indeed includes homosexual love. 
Let’s see what gestalt disposition, what kind of selfhood, Socrates and Alcibiades have.  And how they behave, to put it concretely, how is the organization and direction of the energy of their eyes, ears, smell, and touch, heart and spirit, their comportment in the world.
To get a sense of Socrates’ disposition, we should hear his conclusion about what love is, which he learned from a mythical woman, Diotima of Mantineia, “a woman wise in this and in many other kinds of knowledge, who in the days of old, when the Athenians offered sacrifice before the coming of the plague, delayed the disease ten years.”  Socrates continues:
“'What then is Love?' I asked; 'Is he mortal?' 'No.' 'What then?' 'As in the former instance, he is neither mortal nor immortal, but in a mean between the two.' 'What is he, Diotima?' 'He is a great spirit (daimon), and like all spirits he is intermediate between the divine and the mortal.' 'And what,' I said, 'is his power?' 'He interprets,' she replied, 'between gods and men, conveying and taking across to the gods the prayers and sacrifices of men, and to men the commands and replies of the gods; he is the mediator who spans the chasm which divides them, and therefore in him all is bound together, and through him the arts of the prophet and the priest, their sacrifices and mysteries and charms, and all prophecy and incantation, find their way. For God mingles not with man; but through Love all the intercourse and converse of God with man, whether awake or asleep, is carried on. The wisdom which understands this is spiritual; all other wisdom, such as that of arts and handicrafts, is mean and vulgar.”
Then she asks Socrates: 'if this be the nature of love, can you tell me further,' she said, 'what is the manner of the pursuit? what are they doing who show all this eagerness and heat which is called love? and what is the object which they have in view? Answer me.'  And later she responds to her question:
“'I mean to say, that all men are bringing to the birth in their bodies and in their souls. There is a certain age at which human nature is desirous of procreation--procreation which must be in beauty and not in deformity; and this procreation is the union of man and woman, and is a divine thing; for conception and generation are an immortal principle in the mortal creature, and in the inharmonious they can never be.”
“For love, Socrates, is not, as you imagine, the love of the beautiful only.' 'What then?' 'The love of generation and of birth in beauty.' 'Yes,' I said. 'Yes, indeed,' she replied. 'But why of generation?' 'Because to the mortal creature, generation is a sort of eternity and immortality,' she replied; 'and if, as has been already admitted, love is of the everlasting possession of the good, all men will necessarily desire immortality together with good: Wherefore love is of immortality.'”
Then Diotima asks Socrates to hold his very best attention to hear her theory of ascending love:
"He who from these ascending under the influence of true love, begins to perceive that beauty, is not far from the end. And the true order of going, or being led by another, to the things of love, is to begin from the beauties of earth and mount upwards for the sake of that other beauty, using these as steps only, and from one going on to two, and from two to all fair forms, and from fair forms to fair practices, and from fair practices to fair notions, until from fair notions he arrives at the notion of absolute beauty, and at last knows what the essence of beauty is. This, my dear Socrates,' said the stranger of Mantineia, 'is that life above all others which man should live, in the contemplation of beauty absolute; a beauty which if you once beheld, you would see not to be after the measure of gold, and garments, and fair boys and youths, whose presence now entrances you; and you and many a one would be content to live seeing them only and conversing with them without meat or drink, if that were possible--you only want to look at them and to be with them. But what if man had eyes to see the true beauty--the divine beauty, I mean, pure and clear and unalloyed, not clogged with the pollutions of mortality and all the colours and vanities of human life--thither looking, and holding converse with the true beauty simple and divine? Remember how in that communion only, beholding beauty with the eye of the mind, he will be enabled to bring forth, not images of beauty, but realities (for he has hold not of an image but of a reality), and bringing forth and nourishing true virtue to become the friend of God and be immortal, if mortal man may. Would that be an ignoble life?'"
What gestalt disposition and selfhood does Socrates depict in this story?  Pay attention, he includes love of beautiful bodies and homoeroticism too, but he declares that one has to transcend them to the highest beauty rather than being stuck at the sensational-aesthetic level—a barren stagnated love, if it is not for procreation, ought not to be satisfied-- and from here we have the expression: Platonic Love. 
It is not strange that exactly at this point, as Martha Nussbaum noticed, the drunk Alcibiades enters the Symposium.  It is a confrontation between concrete desire of sexual and sensual pleasure, a particular love versus Socratic divine and universal love. 
"A little while afterwards they heard the voice of Alcibiades resounding in the court; he was in a great state of intoxication, and kept roaring and shouting 'Where is Agathon? Lead me to Agathon,' and at length, supported by the flute-girl and some of his attendants, he found his way to them. 'Hail, friends,' he said, appearing at the door crowned with a massive garland of ivy and violets, his head flowing with ribands."
What is Alcibiades’ gestalt disposition, what kind of selfhood does he experience?  And how would he behave, to put it concretely, how would be the organization and direction of the energy of his eyes, ears, smell, and touch, heart and spirit, his comportment in the world?  Alcibiades says he would speak the truth about the selfhood of Socrates and his own:
"Socrates makes me confess that I ought not to live as I do, neglecting the wants of my own soul, and busying myself with the concerns of the Athenians; therefore I hold my ears and tear myself away from him. And he is the only person who ever made me ashamed, which you might think not to be in my nature, and there is no one else who does the same. For I know that I cannot answer him or say that I ought not to do as he bids, but when I leave his presence the love of popularity gets the better of me. And therefore I run away and fly from him, and when I see him I am ashamed of what I have confessed to him. Many a time have I wished that he were dead, and yet I know that I should be much more sorry than glad, if he were to die: so that I am at my wit's end….."
"Is he not like a Silenus in this? To be sure he is: his outer mask is the carved head of the Silenus; but, O my companions in drink, when he is opened, what temperance there is residing within! Know you that beauty and wealth and honor, at which the many wonder, are of no account with him, and are utterly despised by him: he regards not at all the persons who are gifted with them; mankind are nothing to him; all his life is spent in mocking and flouting at them. But when I opened him, and looked within at his serious purpose, I saw in him divine and golden images of such fascinating beauty that I was ready to do in a moment whatever Socrates commanded: they may have escaped the observation of others, but I saw them."
And then Alcibiades tells the story of Socrates character.  After several attempts, he says, he could finally persuade Socrates to stay a night with him:
"When the lamp was put out and the servants had gone away, I thought that I must be plain with him and have no more ambiguity. So I gave him a shake, and I said: 'Socrates, are you asleep?' 'No,' he said. 'Do you know what I am meditating? 'What are you meditating?' he said. 'I think,' I replied, 'that of all the lovers whom I have ever had you are the only one who is worthy of me, and you appear to be too modest to speak. Now I feel that I should be a fool to refuse you this or any other favour, and therefore I come to lay at your feet all that I have and all that my friends have, in the hope that you will assist me in the way of virtue, which I desire above all things, and in which I believe that you can help me better than anyone else. And I should certainly have more reason to be ashamed of what wise men would say if I were to refuse a favour to such as you, than of what the world, who are mostly fools, would say of me if I granted it.'" 
"To these words he replied in the ironical manner which is so characteristic of him:--'Alcibiades, my friend, you have indeed an elevated aim if what you say is true, and if there really is in me any power by which you may become better; truly you must see in me some rare beauty of a kind infinitely higher than any which I see in you. And therefore, if you mean to share with me and to exchange beauty for beauty, you will have greatly the advantage of me; you will gain true beauty in return for appearance--like Diomede, gold in exchange for brass. But look again, sweet friend, and see whether you are not deceived in me. The mind begins to grow critical when the bodily eye fails, and it will be a long time before you get old.'" 
"Hearing this, I said: 'I have told you my purpose, which is quite serious, and do you consider what you think best for you and me.' 'That is good,' he said; 'at some other time then we will consider and act as seems best about this and about other matters.' Whereupon, I fancied that he was smitten, and that the words which I had uttered like arrows had wounded him, and so without waiting to hear more I got up, and throwing my coat about him crept under his threadbare cloak, as the time of year was winter, and there I lay during the whole night having this wonderful monster in my arms. This again, Socrates, will not be denied by you. And yet, notwithstanding all, he was so superior to my solicitations, so contemptuous and derisive and disdainful of my beauty--which really, as I fancied, had some attractions--hear, O judges; for judges you shall be of the haughty virtue of Socrates--nothing more happened, but in the morning when I awoke (let all the gods and goddesses be my witnesses) I arose as from the couch of a father or an elder brother."
"What do you suppose must have been my feelings, after this rejection, at the thought of my own dishonour? And yet I could not help wondering at his natural temperance and self-restraint and manliness. I never imagined that I could have met with a man such as he is in wisdom and endurance. And therefore I could not be angry with him or renounce his company, any more than I could hope to win him.”
This is about the homoerotic encounter between Alcibiades and Socrates.  It is at the time that love of older men for the youths was justified and praised.  Socrates argues that the right direction of soul is a movement upon the ladder of love from procreation to love of bodies, of arts, of laws and political institutions, to the love of divine beauty, untainted and undefiled.  Plato makes a clear contrast between homosexual and heterosexual desires and debauchery, without accusation and damnation, to the cultivation of the soul.  Now, what is this “soul”? 
In his Hermeneutics of the Subject and the Ethics of the Care of the Self, Foucault discusses Plato’s Alcibiades and what Socrates means by “the care of the self”.  It is strange, as you will see, that for him this soul, is a subject, an invention, a carved statue by certain practices from outside in.  The inside of the mask, the soul, the self, accordingly is empty.  Foucault defines the self as a form which is not identical with itself and tries hard to show that the care of the self for Socrates, is not the care of the soul as a divine source, but by the care of the self he means how to carve out a subject of care for oneself.  In "Care of the Self, Foucauldian Ethics, and Contemporary Subjectivity," Menihan summarize Foucault’s discussion on Alcibiades:
By addressing Plato’s Alcibiades, Foucault points to epimeleia heautou’s [the care of the self] early fundamental notions. In this text, Socrates exclaims, “One must care about oneself,” but quickly realizes that there are intrinsic intricacies and complications to work out within this expression. Foucault notes Socrates’ daunting query: “who knows exactly what “taking care of one’s self” is?” (Hermeneutics 51). Delving more intuitively into the predicament, Plato’s “text then naturally divides into two parts”: First, “what is this thing, this object, this self to which one must attend?” Second, “What form should this care take, in what must it consist?” (51). 
The general answer to the latter question will remain constant—although the specific practices will vary depending on circumstance—throughout antiquity: The care of the self must consist of a tekhnē, a set of techniques performed by the self on the self (51). 
[pay attention that Foucault disconnects between the essence of the self and the tekhnē, as if it doesn't matter if the tekhnē is based on certain inner disposition, divine soul, because he is anti-essentialist and rejects a theory of the subject.]
Likewise, the answer to the former inquiry is composed of a general constant thread throughout the period of antiquity in question. What is this object that one must care for? It is the “element which is the same on both the subject side and the object side” (53): “You have to take care of yourself: It is you who takes care; and then you take care of something which is the same thing as yourself, [the same thing] as the subject who “takes care,” this is your self as object” (53). 
However, the specifics of this answer—the specifics of “self”—prove quite malleable throughout Foucault’s lectures. "Proper governing was the aim of care-of-the-self practices in early Socratic dialogue. A young ruler must care for oneself, govern oneself, and do so ethically (I will return to the importance of this ethics) in order to properly care for and govern others as a ruler" (Hermeneutics 51-52). Thus, the self one cares for in this instance is the self-as-governor, self as-ruler with the aim of being able to rule properly. In later Socratic dialogue regarding epimeleia heautou, however, the self for which one must care becomes one’s psukhē, one’s “soul” (53). 
In this later dialogue, Socrates illustrates that epimeleia heautou [the care of the self] practices are no longer limited to the realm of young men associated with political governance, but have instead transcended to a more generally applicable philosophical practice: “in the Apology, for example,” Foucault explains, “Socrates says that he encourages his fellow citizens, and everyone he meets, to care for their soul (psukhē) in order to perfect it” (53, emphasis added). Notwithstanding, the care of the self in later Socratic dialogue is still a principle that is generally directed toward youth. As was the case with the young ruler, those who are directed to take care of themselves do so with the aim of reaching a perfected old age: “The young man will not take care of himself in order to become the citizen, or rather the leader who is needed. The adult must take care of himself…to prepare…[f]or his old age” (75). 
There is a paramount point to be expounded upon in regard to this soul-as-object that must be cared for. By caring for the soul-as-object, one does not discover the “soul-substance” (as will become common with Christianity), but rather forms the soul-subject (57). Foucault clearly reiterates his understanding of the distinction: “It seems to me that the outcome of the argument of the Alcibiades on the question “what is oneself and what meaning should be given to oneself when we say that one should take care of the self?” is the soul as subject and not at all the soul as substance” (57).
So, Foucault introduces the false dichotomy of either the self is a “subject” (a mask) or a “substance” (a rigidified ahistorical thing).  As the metaphysical Medieval understanding of "substance," as an empty static self-sameness, had lost its credit after the critiques of Heidegger, Foucault assumed that, following the Nietzschean “God is dead”, the self as well is dead, there is no author, no self, but a subject of care which is being constructed by historical determinate practices.  He insists to show that Socrates also thinks the same (!).  Is it not strange to ascribe such a definition of the soul to a person like Socrates who obviously believes in a theory of recollection—that our souls knew everything before birth but forgot them at the time of birth—and sees himself as the midwife to give birth to our innate virtuous souls?  It is a fact that we are constantly exposed, by Heidegger and Foucault, and generally postmodernism and Anglo-American philosophy (in a different way), to a false dichotomy: we have to accept either the inner, interpreted as, rigid substantial self (ousia, parousia), or a subject that is determined purely by historical practices from outside in.  So, there is no soul to be taken care of; the self is an arbitrary invention of historical practices or bundle of sense impressions or memories.  
In Heidegger’s Historicisation of Aristotelian Being, Susan Roberts, shows clearly this dissolution of the active inner soul along with rejection of the rigid substantial self [1].  This is another excessive pendulum swing of human psyche to throw the baby out with the bath water.  This tendency to nullify the self into a negative force ends up to exactly the reverse of what Socrates asked for: ascend theory of love and cultivation of the soul.  It ends up to limit-experiences, excess, and downfall.  A wonderful and soulful character such as Foucault, who was homosexual, devoting all his life to philosophy and exposing the boundaries of a punitive incarcerating society, couldn't understand the real meaning of the care of the self and took a self (soul)-destructive path:
When in California, Foucault spent many evenings in the gay scene of the San Francisco Bay Area, frequenting sado-masochistic bathhouses, engaging in sexual intercourse with other patrons. He would praise sado-masochistic activity in interviews with the gay press, describing it as "the real creation of new possibilities of pleasure, which people had no idea about previously.”  Through this sexual activity, Foucault contracted HIV, which eventually developed into AIDS.  Little was known of the virus at the time; the first cases had only been identified in 1980. In summer 1983, he developed a persistent dry cough, which concerned friends in Paris, but Foucault insisted it was just a pulmonary infection. Only when hospitalized was Foucault correctly diagnosed; treated with antibiotics, he delivered a final set of lectures at the Collège de France. Foucault entered Paris' Hôpital de la Salpetriere – the same institution that he had studied in Madness and Civilisation – on 9 June 1984, with neurological symptoms complicated by septicemia. He died in the hospital on 25 June.    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michel_Foucault#Final_years:_1980.E2.80.931984

Given this brief discussion of Socrates and Alcibiades, I hope I could show that the gestalt disposition or selfhood or soul of Socrates and Alcibiades are fundamentally different.  Alcibiades surrenders to hedonistic pleasure along with the homosexual practices dominating in the Greek culture at the time, and Socrates advises, in the court before his execution, that:
“Men of Athens, I honor and love you; but I shall obey God rather than you, and while I have life and strength I shall never cease from the practice and teaching of philosophy, exhorting anyone whom I meet after my manner, and convincing him, saying: O my friend, why do you, who are a citizen of the great and mighty and wise city of Athens, care so much about laying up the greatest amount of money and honor and reputation, and so little about wisdom and truth and the greatest improvement of the soul, which you never regard or heed at all? Are you not ashamed of this? And if the person with whom I am arguing says: Yes, but I do care; I do not depart or let him go at once; I interrogate and examine and cross-examine him, and if I think that he has no virtue, but only says that he has, I reproach him with undervaluing the greater, and overvaluing the less. And this I should say to everyone whom I meet, young and old, citizen and alien, but especially to the citizens, inasmuch as they are my brethren. For this is the command of God, as I would have you know; and I believe that to this day no greater good has ever happened in the state than my service to the God. For I do nothing but go about persuading you all, old and young alike, not to take thought for your persons and your properties, but first and chiefly to care about the greatest improvement of the soul.”
The fact is that as long as I didn’t believe in having a divine essential soul and in the ascending characteristic of love and the relation between our virtues and the divine, as Socrates and Plato held, I was prone to fall into the whims of aesthetic and sensual pleasure.  One is prone to become experimental, why not trying bisexuality?  Bestiality?  Sado-masochism? I actually participated in the Janus Sado-masochistic Society, and I was ready to give bisexuality a try.  But I didn’t find myself in these practices.  What I mean is that certain perception of the self, creates certain indulgence in desires.  Holding onto the ascending theory of love and life, of the divine soul within, urges us to heed a genuine care of the self.  I have seen some homosexuals who are basically misanthropist and nihilist.  It might be partly due to the social rejection of their existence, partly due to their barren state of life, partly due to lack of possibility to reconcile their sexual orientation to the state of species.  However, I have met homosexuals who have a serene and sensible understanding of their sexuality, without glorifying it or taking a nihilistic position, relate and connect to the divine source, and receive compassion, mercy, and guidance from that source.  So, for them, as soulful believers, sexuality and pleasure lose the central place that they have in a hedonistic life style.  Consequently, they become careful about the state of their soul.  

Dangerous notions such as "pride" in homosexuality, and kind of glorifying it, leaves the boundary open for homosexuality to become an experimental practice, which means it transforms a natural disposition into a kind of excess.  What we see in Gay Pride parades is overexposure to nudity and lewdness rather than a solemn declaration of the rights of certain people.  So, I disagree with “homosexuality” as a manifestation of nihilistic tendency and experimental downfall.  And I assume this is the original point of religions in resisting it, however, this resistance itself, when turns into hate and fury, could create backlashes and devalue some of religious principles such as empathy, care, admonishment, and advice, and turn religion itself into a compulsory and coercive behavior and fanaticism.         
The Non-Nihilistic Homosexuality
Now I can come to the second part of my question:
a) What gestalt disposition, what kind of selfhood, I would experience if I am a homosexual person who believes:
I have a divine soul whose ethical practices are connected to the divine or universe but being told constantly that I am evil and an aberrant that has to be lynched, killed, stoned, or rejected.  And hence to be pushed to the first option: hedonism, debauchery, nihilism, and [self-]destruction.      
 AND:
 b) How would I behave, to put it concretely, how would be the organization and direction of the energy of my eyes, ears, smell, and touch, heart and spirit, my comportment in the world:
If I believe that I have a divine soul whose ethical practices are connected to the divine or universe but being told that I am evil and an aberrant that has to be lynched, killed, stoned, or rejected.  And hence to be pushed to the first option: hedonism, debauchery, nihilism, and [self-]destruction.      

The way I put these questions, of course, makes the answer
clear.  We violate the selfhood of a person if constantly reject 
him or her and threaten him or her to be killed just for having
certain sexual orientation (beyond experimentation).  We
push that person to [self-]destruction, rather than containing the damage.  Let’s look how religions react to homosexuality.  
It is obvious that Religions of the Book reject homosexuality as a misconduct or sin.  It is the same with variations of Hinduism and Buddhism[2].  In the Old Testament, Leviticus, it asks for death penalty for homosexuality, as well as for cursing one’s parents, and so many other cases[3].  I can see by saying certain behaviors have to be punished, they want to say these behaviors, when excessive and decadent, are not life-promoting.  I already agree with this tendency in religions.  What I don’t agree is the harshness and the apathetic language that they use.  I assume this was one of the reasons that Jesus rebelled against legalism, that the law has to be justified with Love.  Jesus urged us to hold onto the principle of Love even against our enemies.  So, I assume the language of hate in the Old Testament is already reformed by Jesus of the New Testament.  But Jesus made it clear that homosexuality and heterosexuality as excess and downfall are not acceptable.  
In Mark, 7: 20-23: 

“He said, That which comes out of the man, that defiles the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, sexual impurities, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.”
And in his letters, Paul clearly rejected homosexuality[4].  In the Old Testament and in the Quran, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is mentioned and rejected as homosexual nihilistic and decadent behavior which included rape and aggression[5].  The people of Lot wanted to rape even angles of God[6].  But in the Quran, there is no death penalty for homosexuals.  All we have is this: 
“If two men among you are guilty of lewdness, punish them both. If they repent and amend, leave them alone; for God is Oft-returning, Most Merciful.” Quran 4:16

It is later in narrations from the time of the prophet that, in 
contradiction to the Quran, it is said that the prophet asked 
for capital punishment for homosexuals, which is not reliable.

Religiously as well as philosophically, as I discussed, the central issue of our and all times is cultivation of the soul.  So basically decadence, excess, and hedonism are nihilistic and should be admonished.  However, homosexuals should live along with others in peace and without threats and dehumanization.  We should treat homosexuals with the same love and care that we treat other people.





[1] In Heidegger's Historicisation of Aristotelian Being, Susan Roberts wrote: “If, as Heidegger has endeavored to show, the only significant movement so far as being is concerned pertains to the accomplishments of history, then it would seem to follow that the entity whose beingness is in question – ‘ousia’ – is impervious to any form of inner activity and can only be moved externally. And this is precisely the way in which Heidegger chooses to present Aristotle’s term designating ‘beingness’. And he does this largely by conflating the term ‘ousia’ with ‘parousia’ even though they designate ontologically distinct entities. For whereas ‘ousia’ refers to a being as a process, i.e., in a process of being and becoming, ‘parousia’ designates a fixed and static entity. As Joseph Owens points out in his detailed study, ‘The Doctrine of Being in the Aristotelian Metaphysics’, ‘ousia’ is the primary instance of Being from which all others flow and upon which all other beings depend: “it is the very core of Being.” And for that reason Owens asserts that this is the most important instance of Being to maintain in any translation if its true meaning is to be kept. As he explains, the word ‘ousia’ is derived from the verb ‘to be’, but has the ending of an abstract noun to be something like ‘beingness’. However, its meaning is not conceptual but concrete, as the ‘beingness’ it points to is that of the dynamic and self-organising world.

The ontological significance of the distinction between Aristotle’s metaphysical understanding of ‘being’ - as an individual’s inner activity directed towards the knowing of reality - and Heidegger’s more political, historical presentation of Dasein – as man’s productive way of ‘being in the world together’- is lost in the conflation of the Greek terms ‘ousia’ and ’parousia’. Since the former denotes a being capable of ontological activity and the latter does not. Heidegger insists, however, that “ousia is an abbreviation of ‘parousia’”, and generally treats the terms as synonymous.   But what is lost when the ‘‘thinghood’’ of ‘ousia’ is swallowed up in the entity that is ‘parousia’, is the internal activity of ‘being’ that constitutes that ‘‘thinghood’’. Aristotle makes this very point in ‘De Anima’, contrasting the cutting activity of an axe, which makes the axe what it is, with the steering activity of a sailor in a boat, which is an action that is not intrinsic to what he is.  Whilst the Aristotelian sailor – considered here by Aristotle as ‘parousia’ i.e., in a context where ‘thinghood’ is not in question – may steer a boat, and undertake other doings, his ‘thinghood’, i.e., ‘ousia’, and the activity he needs to keep on ‘being’ in order to be it, are not discernible in these external activities.

Aristotle actually points out that it would be impossible to recognize the ontological significance of inner activity in entities engaged in external actions: “it would be difficult to see why the soul is not separate from the body if the soul were the being-at-work of the body in the way that a sailor is of the boat.”  Because these are clearly separable entities, the sailor can leave the boat. However, the cutting cannot leave the axe, without taking the identity of the axe with it. What Aristotle is explaining is that the nature of our ‘‘thinghood’’, or ‘ousia’, is constituted by activities, such inner activities being intrinsic to what we are. They are not like the external motions of ‘parousia’, because they inhere in us and individuate us: they are not ‘doings’ but ‘being’. If an entity‘s ‘parousia’ is made the starting point for a study of being, how can ‘being’ as an activity that determines the state of being of that entity be examined? The answer is that it cannot, and neither can the question of that being’s ontological vulnerability to change. For the obvious reason that an entity viewed as ‘parousia’ is deemed to be fixed and therefore invulnerable to ontological change.

If ‘ousia’ is conflated with ‘parousia’, the inner activity that ‘ousia’ is being disappears from view. As a result, form, which Aristotle regarded as inherently active, comes to be regarded as something static or structural that is simply imposed on passive matter, without necessitating any activity, or doing, on the part of matter itself. In such an event, the activity that matter is ‘supposed to be’ engaged in falls beneath the metaphysical horizon, and what is left is just a static entity."
http://www.cosmosandhistory.org/index.php/journal/article/viewFile/309/548

[2] The third of the Five Precepts of Buddhism states that one is to refrain from sexual misconduct; this precept has sometimes been interpreted to include homosexuality. The Dalai Lama of Tibetan Buddhism interprets sexual misconduct to include lesbian and gay sex, and indeed any sex other than penis-vagina intercourse, including oral sex, anal sex, and masturbation or other sexual activity with the hand; the only time sex is acceptable is when it performed for its natural purpose of procreation. When interviewed by Canadian TV news anchor Evan Solomon on CBC News: Sunday about whether or not homosexuality is acceptable in Buddhism, the Dalai Lama responded that "it is sexual misconduct." This was an echo of an earlier response in a 2004 Vancouver Sun interview when asked about homosexuality in Buddhism, where the Dalai Lama replied "for a Buddhist, the same sex, that is sexual misconduct". However, the Dalai Lama supports human rights for all, "regardless of sexual orientation."

[3] Leviticus 20-21
9 ‘If there is anyone who curses his father or his mother, he shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother, his bloodguiltiness is upon him.
10 ‘If there is a man who commits adultery with another man’s wife, one who commits adultery with his friend’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
11 ‘If there is a man who lies with his father’s wife, he has uncovered his father’s nakedness; both of them shall surely be put to death, their bloodguiltiness is upon them.
12 ‘If there is a man who lies with his daughter-in-law, both of them shall surely be put to death; they have committed incest, their bloodguiltiness is upon them.
13 ‘If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltiness is upon them.
14 ‘If there is a man who marries a woman and her mother, it is immorality; both he and they shall be burned with fire, so that there will be no immorality in your midst.
15 ‘If there is a man who lies with an animal, he shall surely be put to death; you shall also kill the animal.
16 ‘If there is a woman who approaches any animal to mate with it, you shall kill the woman and the animal; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltiness is upon them.
17 ‘If there is a man who takes his sister, his father’s daughter or his mother’s daughter, so that he sees her nakedness and she sees his nakedness, it is a disgrace; and they shall be cut off in the sight of the sons of their people. He has uncovered his sister’s nakedness; he bears his guilt.
18 ‘If there is a man who lies with a menstruate woman and uncovers her nakedness, he has laid bare her flow, and she has exposed the flow of her blood; thus both of them shall be cut off from among their people.
19 ‘You shall also not uncover the nakedness of your mother’s sister or of your father’s sister, for such a one has made naked his blood relative; they will bear their guilt.
20 ‘If there is a man who lies with his uncle’s wife he has uncovered his uncle’s nakedness; they will bear their sin. They will die childless.
21 ‘If there is a man who takes his brother’s wife, it is abhorrent; he has uncovered his brother’s nakedness. They will be childless.

[4] In the Epistle to the Romans 1:26-27, Paul writes: 
"For this reason [idolatry] God gave them up to passions of dishonor; for even their females exchanged the natural use for that which is contrary to nature, and likewise also the males, having left the natural use of the female, were inflamed by their lust for one another, males with males, committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the recompense which was fitting for their error."

1 Corinthians 6:9-10:
Amplified Version (1987): "Do you not know that the unrighteous and the wrongdoers will not inherit or have any share in the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived (misled): neither the impure and immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor those who participate in homosexuality"

1 Timothy 1:9-10

Amplified Version (1987): Knowing and understanding this: that the Law is not enacted for the righteous (the upright and just, who are in right standing with God), but for the lawless and unruly, for the ungodly and sinful, for the irreverent and profane, for those who strike and beat and [even] murder fathers and strike and beat and [even] murder mothers, for manslayers,[For] impure and immoral persons, those who abuse themselves with men, kidnappers, liars, perjurers--and whatever else is opposed to wholesome teaching and sound doctrine
Jude 1:7
English Standard Version: "Just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities, which likewise indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire, serve as an example by undergoing a punishment of eternal fire."

[5] "And (remember) L0t: behold, he said to his people: "Ye do commit lewdness, such as no people in Creation (ever) committed before you. "Do ye indeed approach men, and cut off the highway?- and practice wickedness (even) in your councils?" But his people gave no answer but this: they said: "Bring us the Wrath of God if you tell the truth." He said: "O my Lord! help Thou me against people who do mischief!" When Our Messengers came to Abraham with the good news, they said: "We are indeed going to destroy the people of this township: for truly they are (addicted to) crime." Quran 27:54 

"And Lot: when he said to his people, 'You practice outrageous acts that no people before you have ever committed.  How can you lust after men, waylay travelers, and commit evil in your gatherings?' the only answer his people gave was, 'Bring God's punishment down on us, if what you say is true.'" Quran 29:28-30

[6] "And when Our messengers came to Lot, he was anxious for them, feeling powerless to protect them, and said, "This is a truly terrible day!  His people came rushing towards him, they used to commit foul deeds.  He said, 'My people, here are my daughters.  They are more wholesome for you, so have some fear of God and do not disgrace me with my guests.  Is there not a single right-minded man among you?'  They said, 'You know very well that we have no right to your daughters.  You know very well what we want.'" (The Quran, 11:77-80)

Wednesday, June 15, 2016


Sinusitis

Once upon a time, long ago, an old monk lived in a monastery. And once he planted a barren tree on a mountainside. Then he told his young pupil, that he should water the tree each day until it came to life. And every early morning, he climbed up the mountain and watered the withered tree . . . He did this for three years. And one fine day, he climbed up the mountain and saw that the whole tree was covered with blossoms. Say what you will, but a method, a system, has its virtues. You know, sometimes I say to myself, if every single day, at exactly the same stroke of the clock one were to perform the same act, like a ritual, unchanging, systematic, everyday at the same time, the world would be changed. Yes, something would change. It would have to. One could wake up in the morning, let’s say, get up at exactly seven, go to the bathroom, pour a glass of water from the tap and flesh it down the toilet. Only that. From the movie “Sacrifice,” by Andrei Tarkovsky

I ask myself, what does the truth of one’s thoughts have to do with subjective feelings? I promised myself to write my weekly notes on Fridays. Today I am sick with sinusitis. I have had this chronic sickness since my twenties and all the years I spent in prison. However, its ubiquitous presence has been drastically reduced for the last twenty years and now just periodically appears. I ask myself, what was my subjective feelings during the recurring symptoms of this sickness in different periods of my life?

In my twenties, I was overwhelmed by it, as I spent my twenties in prison and the sickness also was a shell into which I hid myself, like a turtle, into my hat. It was cozy and slow and I endured pain and weakness, in a welcoming tone. However, in terms of thoughts, I didn’t know what to do with the torrents of doubts and political-philosophical questions which were invading me during my imprisonment. I started studying philosophy in prison. But I couldn’t understand Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason by myself, even if I read the whole book in Farsi and took notes of it couple of times. I wanted to make sense of my life and adamantly believed or was trained to believe that Western philosophy is the best way to understand myself and my whereabouts. So, all my focus was on Western philosophy.

The sinusitis felt like a gray warm decay of heart amidst my numerous existential questions: What is the meaning of this all? Why am I here? What is this stripped sense of self—this non-identity-that I experience due to being cut off of all the interactions of a normal life, even from communal and group life inside the prison? I used to sit for hours in a corner and read and write for myself. I didn’t interact or discuss my thoughts with other prisoners, as I didn’t belong to any gang or group, nor did I collaborate with guards and snitches. I was alone on my own and somehow enjoyed it like my sinusitis, staying in my corner, concentrated inside like a condensed hard boiled egg.

I was talking to my son last week and he said he would rather to stay in his corner and just take his courses and play his keyboard, as he doesn’t need to interact with anyone. This insistence of isolation, staying separate from others for him is different from mine in my twenties. There is no one “introversion” but introversions, in plural, though they overlap. I told him this was his war, his challenge, because he feared rejection, the unknown of the other, so it was easier, cozier to stay in one’s corner.

The feeling of sinusitis, like a constant indicator stretched along my existential quests, gives me a point of comparison. I have had sinusitis in my twenties, thirties, forties, and fifties. In different times, I was entangled with different puzzles of life and survival, but the other constant along this stretch of sinusitis, was a feeling of despair and discontent. To give an example, I go back to some of my writings fifteen years ago and choose one of them which is more related to this reflection.

Now I feel released from the agony and a deep sense of being lost and estranged compared to when (2001) I wrote this:

“I have traveled far away from and to myself. I have lived in a cave too long to be outside the sphere in which you are living. I have gone beyond blessings of heaven and hell and I have experienced beyond both of these. I have come from Mars, from a vacuum in space, from a hole right in the center of big bang. I am a deadly event, radiating love and life. Are you ready for it? I am not the phantoms of some memories: The times that I have been tortured in the name of God, in the body, or a poignant smell of a racism, in the soul. I have waited enough not to expect the ‘fashion’ that you desire me to wear. I am just a nobody. A dead body. I died long time ago. And then I saw myself in a full ornamentation of ethereal sense of time and a lasting phenomenon that does not come close enough to open up. I am a poem which does not want to declare itself. I am you. A little bit happiness, a little bit pride, a little bit dwelling in the ‘unknown’ and the fingers that play piano on our soul after practicing her or his whole life. I am the music that comes out of every instrument and every throat. I am the overture, and the song. I am the tears that scientifically have no meaning but form all of our lives. Hear me. See me. Live me. Remember the days that you were looking for a real feeling. Remember the days that you were dying for a little bit of passion. Remember the days that you were bored and digging the bottom of a romantic love to experience life.

Question the key that you have at hand and the lock that has been set for you. Question the sense of boredom and happiness that you have been tainted with. Question your goal and the whole process. Question the possibility of knowing and not-knowing. Question the way you have been trained to see things. Believe in the nullity that just comes out of this disbelief. Let those people laugh at you. You are there, in front of your death-destiny, where there is no ‘judgment’ and ‘fashion’ and ‘functionality’. A deep breath and silence. And the rigidity and fluidity of the things that flow around you, before things had any names. Wish the ‘anonymous’. And keep on keeping your dream, because no evaluation has proven it to be wrong, no rationality has proven it be absurd. It is just the eyebrows and lips that move in turn and twist and what ‘they’ see and say even rationally does not make any sense.

Wait for love. It will come upon you. And you will make love with air and boredom and wind and wine. See the life that emerges from the nothing, the being that jumps out of concepts and simply surrender to its being, naked. And the dance that has no meaning and you and s/he are whirl-winding in a passion that does not have any name. A sense of lost-ness that is not written in any dictionary and lexicon. It is you there out of the sphere of definition and truth. A solidity to be formed and changed and forgotten. The Alzheimer of intentions and goals. An impulsion from within and from without. A sense of being that has no clue to the beyond, but what is the closest.

It is here: the blood that will stop circulating. The rhythm of spiral in its motley ways of appearance. A self which is ashamed in its being imprisoned in one interpretation. A sense of freedom. A little bit fresh air. I wish you forget all these verses and just dance around the pointless beat of ecstasy, and I wish you feel extreme love for every body and ready to die and jumping out of the prison of ‘security’, ‘well-being’, and ‘insurance’. And we are with each other whenever you just sing your heart in your transparency and dance your soul in its ultimate nakedness, and be ready to pay the ‘price’ for it all. An overcoming that always remains a wish and will keep us on our feet to move forward.”

Now, in 2016, I am again with my old friend sinusitis, but I look into my heart, into my “subjective” feelings. I have lost most of my fears of the other, I am at home now with myself. I prayed to God, during years of being lost and the agony of estrangement, to teach me love. Sincerely, deeply, I prayed to God, even if I didn’t seemingly believe in deity, to teach me love, how to love people. Because if you are discontent and not satisfied with the principle of pleasure, and also don’t want to put your head beneath the sands and ignore the dilemmas of existence and insist on asking, “what is this all about?” then you may also ask: What is “love”? And when we ask this question it is mostly because we don’t experience it enough, but for me coextensive with my sinusitis, it was a quest to find an exit from the maze of existence, to find an answer to “why are we here?”. People don’t ask this question because they usually don’t think they may find an answer to it. But I couldn’t help but asking it, and asking it philosophically and with all my spirit: “What is the meaning of existence?”

There are and have been so many barriers between individuals to connect: their age, gender, class, race, sexual orientation, education, spirituality, religion, interests, language, culture, and moral compass, etc. I have been feeling all these diversities and barriers inside my body, I have been experiencing all these obstacles inside my soul, and I begged to God, sincerely and repeatedly, teach me love. And I feel now free, I feel no barrier between me and anyone else, all faces, all animals, and all insect. Something did fundamentally change in me and unravelled. I don’t feel that restlessness, that resentment, or Nietzschean despise. Within the cocoon of my little sinusitis now, within my subjective feelings, I bless the Nameless and feel a deep gratitude, different from my twenties, thirties, or when I wrote the above piece.
I have never been happier than this time in my life, even if I have nothing. I am ready to die, but I love life and want to live; I want to live and to give and deliver. I feel tired for this chronic sickness, kind of breathless, wrapping and warming up to go, but I have to come back and deliver that life is wonderful, eternal, and worth living in thousand folds. I tell myself, in all my twenties and years of life, I have been waiting for someone to come to me and say it, what is this all about? And I struggled, fell, and made mistakes, inside and outside the Gnosticism of East and West, wasted and stretched into sin, losing myself in pleasure and cries of soul, asking God to teach me love, and then was startled to see the heaven’s door opened to my wide open shocked eyes and said: “I am here, life is not the subclass of dead, but yet we are not compatible.” I couldn’t stop the tears of joy and despair at the same time

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” (Matthew 7:7-8)

And how wonderful life is, and death is not meaningless, nor is a nihilistic end to life, or a sorrow to come and an absurdity to endure. I have gone through multifarious gestalt switches to come to this understanding.

In retrospection, I remember I loved Albert Camus’s The Fall when I was 16 years old and could recite some parts of this long monologue by heart. I have to admit it happened that I experienced the same feeling of shame and dissatisfaction with myself as Jean-Baptiste Clamence, the protagonist and the only narrator of the book. He was a lawyer with a perfect self-image, who quit his job and became a “judge-penitent” after he realized he was a pretentious mask, because of this event:

“That particular night in November, two or three years before the evening when I thought I heard laughter behind me, I was returning to the Left Bank and my home by way of the Pont Royal. It was an hour past midnight, a fine rain was falling, a drizzle rather, that scattered the few people on the streets. I had just left a mistress, who was surely already asleep. I was enjoying that walk, a little numbed, my body calmed and irrigated by a flow of blood gentle as the falling rain. On the bridge I passed behind a figure leaning over the railing and seeming to stare at the river. On closer view, I made out a slim young woman dressed in black. The back of her neck, cool and damp between her dark hair and coat collar, stirred me. But I went on after a moment’s hesitation. At the end of the bridge I followed the guys toward Saint-Michel, where I lived. I had already gone some fifty yards when I heard the sound—which, despite the distance, seemed dreadfully loud in the midnight silence—of a body striking the water. I stopped short, but without turning around. Almost at once I heard a cry, repeated several times, which was going downstream; then it suddenly ceased. The silence that followed, as the night suddenly stood still, seemed interminable. I wanted to run and yet didn’t stir. I was trembling, I believe from cold and shock. I told myself that I had to be quick and I felt an irresistible weakness steal over me. I have forgotten what I thought then. “Too late, too far ...” or something of the sort. I was still listening as I stood motionless. Then, slowly under the rain, I went away. I informed no one.”

And in the final pages of the book, the penitent-judge says:
“My idea is both simple and fertile. How to get everyone involved in order to have the right to sit calmly on the outside myself? Should I climb up to the pulpit, like many of my illustrious contemporaries, and curse humanity? Very dangerous, that is! One day, or one night, laughter bursts out without a warning. The judgment you are passing on others eventually snaps back in your face, causing some damage. And so what? you ask. Well, here’s the stroke of genius. I discovered that while waiting for the masters with their rods, we should, like Copernicus, reverse the reasoning to win out. Inasmuch as one couldn’t condemn others without immediately judging oneself, one had to overwhelm oneself to have the right to judge others. Inasmuch as every judge some day ends up as a penitent, one had to travel the road in the opposite direction and practice the profession of penitent to be able to end up as a judge. You follow me? Good. But to make myself even clearer, I’ll tell you how I operate. First I closed my law office, left Paris, traveled. I aimed to set up under another name in some place where I shouldn’t lack for a practice. There are many in the world, but chance, convenience, irony, and also the necessity for a certain mortification made me choose a capital of waters and fogs, girdled by canals, particularly crowded, and visited by men from all corners of the earth. I set up my office in a bar in the sailors’ quarter. The clientele of a port-town is varied. The poor don’t go into the luxury districts, whereas eventually the gentlefolk always wind up at least once, as you have seen, in the disreputable places. I lie in wait particularly for the bourgeois, and the straying bourgeois at that; it’s with him that I get my best results. Like a virtuoso with a rare violin, I draw my subtlest sounds from him. So I have been practicing my useful profession at Mexico City for some time.

It consists to begin with, as you know from experience, in indulging in public confession as often as possible. I accuse myself up and down. It’s not hard, for I now have acquired a memory. But let me point out that I don’t accuse myself crudely, beating my breast. No, I navigate skillfully, multiplying distinctions and digressions, too—in short, I adapt my words to my listener and lead him to go me one better. I mingle what concerns me and what concerns others. I choose the features we have in common, the experiences we have endured together, the failings we share—good form, in other words, the man of the hour as he is rife in me and in others. With all that I construct a portrait which is the image of all and of no one. A mask, in short, rather like those carnival masks which are both lifelike and stylized, so that they make people say: “Why, surely I’ve met him!” When the portrait is finished, as it is this evening, I show it with great sorrow: “This, alas, is what I am!” The prosecutor’s charge is finished. But at the same time the portrait I hold out to my contemporaries becomes a mirror. Covered with ashes, tearing my hair, my face scored by clawing, but with piercing eyes, I stand before all humanity recapitulating my shames without losing sight of the effect I am producing, and saying: “I was the lowest of the low.” Then imperceptibly I pass from the “I” to the “we.” When I get to “This is what we are,” the trick has been played and I can tell them off. I am like them, to be sure; we are in the soup together. However, I have a superiority in that I know it and this gives me the right to speak. You see the advantage, I am sure. The more I accuse myself, the more I have a right to judge you. Even better, I provoke you into judging yourself, and this relieves me of that much of the burden. Ah, mon cher, we are odd, wretched creatures, and if we merely look back over our lives, there’s no lack of occasions to amaze and horrify ourselves. Just try. I shall listen, you may be sure, to your own confession with a great feeling of fraternity.

Don’t laugh! Yes, you are a difficult client; I saw that at once. But you’ll come to it inevitably. Most of the others are more sentimental than intelligent; they are disconcerted at once. With the intelligent ones it takes time. It is enough to explain the method fully to them. They don’t forget it; they reflect. Sooner or later, half as a game and half out of emotional upset, they give up and tell all. You are not only intelligent, you look polished by use. Admit, however, that today you feel less pleased with yourself than you felt five days ago? Now I shall wait for you to write me or come back. For you will come back, I am sure! You’ll find me unchanged. And why should I change, since I have found the happiness that suits me? I have accepted duplicity instead of being upset about it. On the contrary, I have settled into it and found there the comfort I was looking for throughout life. I was wrong, after all, to tell you that the essential was to avoid judgment. The essential is being able to permit oneself everything, even if, from time to time, one has to profess vociferously one’s own infamy. I permit myself everything again, and without the laughter this time. I haven’t changed my way of life; I continue to love myself and to make use of others. Only, the confession of my crimes allows me to begin again lighter in heart and to taste a double enjoyment, first of my nature and secondly of a charming repentance. Since finding my solution, I yield to everything, to women, to pride, to boredom, to resentment, and even to the fever that I feel delightfully rising at this moment. I dominate at last, but forever. Once more I have found a height to which I am the only one to climb and from which I can judge everybody. At long intervals, on a really beautiful night I occasionally hear a distant laugh and again I doubt. But quickly I crush everything, people and things, under the weight of my own infirmity, and at once I perk up.”

I am released now from being Albert Camus’ penitent-judge, of performing duplicity[1], as well I am released from despair and laugh at Albert Camus absurdity theory, and sad for his Sisyphean perception of life, though admiring his capacity to express so much existential agony in plays and words. And thus I said farewell to all despair and the fuzzy feeling of disinterest and the nihilistic and hedonistic “let’s just enjoy this one life in pleasure”. I said farewell even to a crude desire for immortality without God. I cherish this one life, though I know now we are immortal, and feel my old friend, sinusitis, differently (with constant tickling joy-pain in my face), ready to die, ready to live, give, and deliver, until I become compatible with the divine.

05/20/16



[1] “That this insight into the nature of things and the origin of good and evil is not confined exclusively to the saint, but is recognized obscurely by every human being, is proved by the very structure of our language. For language, as Richard Trench pointed out long ago, is often wiser, not merely than the vulgar, but even than the wisest of those who speak it. Sometimes it locks up truths which were once well known, but have been forgotten. In other cases, it holds the germs of truths which, though they were never plainly discerned, the genius of its framers caught a glimpse of in a happy moment of divination.' For example, how significant it is that in the Indo- European languages, as Darmsteter has pointed out, the root meaning ' two ' should connote badness. The Greek prefix dys- (as in dyspepsia) and the Latin dis- (as in dishonorable) are both derived from 'duo.' The cognate bis- gives a pejorative sense to such modern French words as bevue ('blunder/ literally 'two-sights’). Traces of that 'second which leads you astray' can be found in 'dubious,' 'doubt' and Zweifel for to doubt is to be double-minded. Bunyan has his Mr. Facingboth- ways, and modern American slang its ' two-timers.' Obscurely and unconsciously wise, our language confirms the findings of the mystics and proclaims the essential badness of division a word, incidentally, in which our old enemy 'two* makes another decisive appearance.” (Perennial Philosophy by Aldous Huxley)